Life measured by exams

The whole year slipped by in 3 and 4 week increments.  Every exam a final, squeezing in life between studying.

I’ve been MIA since kidneys kicked my ass (I’m still really impressed that they actually work).  I’m studying for step 1 now, so I don’t expect to post until later this summer.

My friend just had a baby a few weeks before she was due, a good reminder that life doesn’t stop just because we make a perfect schedule.  Another friend had to put her cat down right before our last exam. We schedule. We study. We’re type A people. But we can’t put life on hold for anything. The most important thing isn’t my score on step 1.  The most important thing is to measure life by the people we share it with.  

Lub dub

Lub-dub. Lub-dub. S1/S2. Systole-diastole. Blood to the body, blood to the ventricles. Lub-dub. Keep it beating. That’s our job. That’s my job. This mechanical organ, this pump made of flesh, keep it going.

Spindle shaped extravasated red blood cells is pathognomonic of Karposi’s Sarcoma.  Will that factoid help me treat patients any better? I can recognize KS without knowing that. Sure, it’s interesting. But how will it benefit my patient? I need to know how to treat my patient in body and mind.  Focus on the drugs. What do they do? What are their side effects? What will be the barriers to having patients take them? What is the best one to give? Tell me that. Test me on that. Tables, tables, more tables. A picture of one person’s dead heart. How will this help me? Tables help me memorize important information. CHF, HTN, AE, d/o, LVH, LBBB, AMI, I’m learning the language. That doesn’t help me help patients. Not yet. It’s like being able to read Hebrew and follow along in the prayer books, but not knowing what I’m reading save for a few words. 

What kind of doctor will I be? Is it at all reflected in the test scores I achieve my first 2 years? I have to learn something. I have to learn a lot. Does doing average on these exams mean I won’t know enough? Does above average mean being a better doctor? What about below average? What if I fail one? Or two? Will I put patients in danger? Or will I, in reality, have a chance to learn it better, in clinic, in a setting where I can see the people I’m helping? I know I will be a good doctor in terms of talking to people, caring about them, and that matters a lot… like alotalot. I just hope I can get enough knowledge into my head so I don’t kill anyone.